if only's and because of's...

today i thought a lot about choices... how one choice affects so much of life...
and how drastically different things might have been, if only...
sometimes the "if only's" are the very choices, instances, circumstances, decisions that we agonize over, again and again... if only I would have taken the time to share Jesus with that lady, she might be a follower of Christ, but now i don't know... if only I would have stayed at work 5 more minutes, i would have avoided being involved in a wreck... (true story, but not from today) if only i would have said this, or that... i think you get the idea...

or how things have turned out because of...
sometimes the "because of's" are the very choices, instances, circumstances, or decisions that we may overlook because we don't realize the impact they've had on our lives... because of a blown tire, i was able to see things from a new perspective and get out of a bad relationship... because of working at a summer camp (because someone else was applying and i jumped on the bandwagon), i met one of the best friends i've ever had...

and sometimes i think it's easy to get hung up on the "if only's..." i think sometimes i think about the "if only's" and i have the expectation that if that one particular choice, instance, circumstance or decision had changed and was better, that the rest of my life would be better... i think that one decision wrecked my life, when in reality, it just sent me down a different path... over christmas break, my mom and i were talking about decisions... we were saying stuff like, "if you could go back and do it all over knowing then what you know now, would you?" and my mom said, "no, i would probably just make worse mistakes..." how profound... ultimately we can't change it or go back, but continue on with the path that we're on, thankful for the because of's... even if they've taken us in a place that we would never have dreamed of...

when i was 18 and heading to college, my plans for my life were to
meet some great guys at the bsu after i had been in college a short time...
during my freshman or sophomore year, start dating one of those great guys (age 19-20)
during my junior year, get engaged (age 21)
after my senior year, get married (age 22)
have my first son at 23, the second son at 25, the third son at 27, and the fourth son at 29... have my husband and all four kids by the time i was 30 and live in the suburbs and be a housewife while my husband worked... and maybe i'd teach sunday school...

so now, i laugh a lot... seeing how the "because of's" in my life have led me far down another road... very far... does anyone really anticipate the kind of life they're going to have? in many ways, i'm thankful for the fact that my "dream/plan" wasn't God's "dream/plan" for me... there's so much that i've experienced and ways that i've grown that i think i would have missed if right now i was expecting my second child...

i have neglected to mention a huge part of this has to do with the sovreignty of God's will... obviously, there is a lot more than the choices we make that affect our lives... today i'm just baffled at how things work out...